THE VAMPIRE IS A STRANGE AND WONDERFUL CREATURE

Free Monologue for YOUNG FEMALE

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from the play 'THE VAMPIRE IS A STRANGE AND WONDERFUL CREATURE' by Greg Gasawski


A single mother is on the phone to a bill collector

on the phone
Hello? Hello, hi. Accounts Receivable Management? Yes, this is Stephanie Smith. Oh, you're calling about my Visa debt. Right. No, I know I haven't paid it. Yeah, I did know that it's overdue because you've been calling every morning at 8 a.m. To tell me. Why haven't I paid it? Uh, because I'm pregnant and alone and my boyfriend left me and they cut off my food stamps, so I've got to hold onto the little money that I've got right now. So, I guess that's why I haven't paid it. Oh, you'd like to work with me. That's great. Thanks so much. No, like I said, I can't pay the full amount right now. Well, hold on for a minute. My sister's right here. I can ask her.
to Sister
Accounts Receivable Management wants to know if you'll pay my Visa bill
back to the phone
She said hell, no. Well, my dad's dead, but I can ask my mom.
to Sister
Accounts Receivable Management wants to know if mom will pay it.
yelling out
Mom! Will you pay my Visa bill?
back to the phone
My mom said no. Well, I know that you're only trying to help me out, but I don't really know what else we can do. Wait a minute. Unless...OK, here's my plan and I think it'll work. I'm having a baby. Maybe I can sell it, and then I could get you the $125.00 that I owe you.
beat
No, I'm not being serious. And stop calling here at eight in the morning because everything they tell you in your debt collection training program is true: I really am a lazy bitch who expects society to take care of me. I usually stay in bed until about noon and I don't like being disturbed by a ringing telephone at eight o'clock. Oh, yeah, and one last thing. Eff you!

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